She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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