my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
