I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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