This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
