I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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