On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I think I am morally bankrupt
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
