You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
