I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
