Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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