i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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