if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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