Capitaan dildo arrescate!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
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