My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
