he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
