you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
