...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
