Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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