Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
