It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
