I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
