I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
