Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Bring me that man meat
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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