I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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