1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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