She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Who died my cat blue again?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
