Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
