he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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