my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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