that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
