Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
