you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
