Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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