I wish I only lived at night.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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