she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
