That's when you crack a 10am beer
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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