but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
