1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
