You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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