Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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