you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
