I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
