Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
