Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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