Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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