I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
