2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize