You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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