You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
