Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Duck Duck Cougar?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
