i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
