i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
