you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
