It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
and you fell through a lawn chair
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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