Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize