I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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