I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
