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I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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