Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
