It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
