What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
